It's 2021 and my site isn't mobile friendly. Google won't be pleased. Now go home and fire up your PC.*
*Must be compatible with Windows 95
[Get_in_touch]
[Get_in_touch]
It can’t be that hard to find a good B2B marketer, can it?
Alright, day one back at work after lockdown.
You look up at the Shard.
This is where you work now, except you've never been here before.
Except you have been here before.
You quickly repress the memory of sambuca slammers at Shangri-La after a sales expo.
Along with all other memories tied to sambuca slammers - and sales expos.
Much better. Onwards, inwards, upwards.
You went stairs not lift. Good God.
Masking your exhaustion, you assume the power stance made popular by the 2018 Tory Party Conference.
”I’m back, baby”, you think, and as heads turn you realise you probably said it out loud too.
It's going to take you a while to get used to this WFO thing.
You smell coffee and hear typing, but it's not an ambiance.
The noise comes from one person wearing a Slayer t-shirt, hammering at a keyboard, stopping occasionally to drink Nescafe Ultra Bean from a Sports Direct mug.
But who is this person?
You say hello to your CTO, who you haven't since the start of lockdown.
He completely blanks you.
No matter, he must be in that hallowed place that developers go when they're so deep in concentration that - hang on, he's talking to your office manager now.
You try to ignore the jilt, using those breathing techniques you learned during lockdown #3.
In, out... Out, in... Think that's all of them.
You feel steadier, ready for your next meeting with your Head of Sales.
You clear your throat and introduce yourself to the hacker in a way that's far too nice to be interpreted as anything other than outrage.
Expecting confrontation, he quickly taps a series of objects: laptop, phone case, t-shirt, water bottle, volleyball.
A pattern emerges. Each of the items sport the Vollii logo.
Vollii is an online marketplace for volleyball-related goods.
You quickly turn round and see the Vollii logo on the door.
You're in the wrong office.
Alan here. Hate to say it, but it’s game over.
Why? Well, you said you don’t work with developers and I usually work with B2B tech companies...
What now?
Leave this site & never come backYour Head of Sales closes the blinds and you initiate your secret handshake, which she completely bungles.
She looks at you and you forgive her with your eyes. Then she says...
You do the handshake again and nail it this time, although it takes some time to pry each of your fingers free afterwards.
Then your Head of Sales says ”We need more leads”.
She continues, ”Without more leads sales are going to dry up like a dried mango”.
You don't think the analogy works, but the meaning is clear enough.
”Let's rehydrate this mango”, you say, half-expecting your line to open into a longer motivational bit, but it doesn't come.
Instead you approach the Head of Marketing, who is at the tea point methodically eating her way through a mix of seeds cupped in a sad-looking cling-film pouch.
”Fancy a walk?”, you say, and she immediately tosses the seeds in the direction of the bin and follows you out the building.
It's a lovely summer's day. You hear the tinkling of an ice cream van and smell warm rubbish and weed.
"What more can we do to get more leads?", you ask.
Your Head of Marketing says...
You promise that you'll absolutely help resolve the issue right after you get an ice cream.
You get an ice cream. A 99 with flake. Your Head of Marketing gets a Solero.
You walk back to the office.
You promise that you'll definitely help resolve the issue right after you get an ice cream."
You get an ice cream. A 99 with flake. Your Head of Marketing gets a Solero.
You walk back to the office.
Back at your office, you sit on your chair and it's the wrong height.
Who's been sitting on your chair?!
You remember that you're in a new office and you have a new chair.
It's not as comfortable as your WFH futon, but your spine seems happier.
You turn on your laptop and Google ”How to do marketing”
Some promising results appear. Which do you choose?
Alan here. Hate to say it, but it’s game over.
Why? Looks like you’re after a B2C strategy. I only do B2B marketing so probably wouldn’t be a good fit.
What now?
Leave this site & never come backThis Alan guy knows how to grow leads with a content-first strategy & has some impressive case studies too...
“Alan’s marketing strategy and execution helped us double revenue and team size in a year, our pipeline value grew 5X YoY, & now we're running a waitlist for launch slots”
- Luke, CCO, Nest Performance
You turn on your laptop and Google ”How to get leads with marketing”
Some promising results appear. Which do you choose?
This Alan guy knows how to grow leads with content & has some impressive case studies too...
“Alan's methodology for building an audience through organic channels is bulletproof. He grew search content sign-ups from 15 to 175 per month.”
- Andy, Growth Director, ContentCal
Back at your office, you sit on your chair and it's the wrong height.
Who's been sitting on your chair
You remember that you're in a new office and you have a new chair.
It's not as comfortable as your WFH futon, but your spine seems happier.
Alan here. Hate to say it, but it’s game over.
Why? Looks like you’re after a paid strategy, and I’m much better at taking a content-first approach.
What now?
Leave this site & never come backYou continue your day. It's nice to be back.
You're knockout tired by 5pm so you grab a handful of complimentary custard creams and get the tube home.
Unfortunately, the tube was too busy to reach into your pocket to fetch a custard cream.
This type of inconvenience would never happen at home. You don’t miss the commute.
You remember you need to fix marketing.
You remember this Alan Wanders guy from your Google search.
Maybe he'll be able to help.
By the time you get home, you're still thinking about marketing.
You try to forget about it, but it nags at you all evening.
You have dinner with your family and you’re so distracted you forget your son's name.
You don't think he noticed, but later he asks you what you think his name is and - to create a smokescreen - you bark at him to go to bed immediately.
You still don’t remember, do you?
His website is irritating, there's this long-winded story format to it.
You’re finally falling asleep... Only at the end do you find out how to actually contact him.
There it is! Finally... Get in touch
Get in touch to find out how I can help with your marketing and content strategy